


Bespoke Psychopath for Hire

by merryghoul



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Alternate Norse Religion & Lore, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anniversary, Canon - Comics, Detectives, Diary/Journal, Episode: s06e08 Let's Kill Hitler, F/M, Gambling, Las Vegas, Marriage, Melody Malone - Freeform, Victorian, Were-Creatures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-14 02:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4545903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/pseuds/merryghoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>River wakes up back in the body of Mels, traveling back to that field outside Leadworth.  To maintain her sanity, River remembers who she was as someone attempts to rewrite her diary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Field in Leadworth/Build Yourself a Myth

**Author's Note:**

> With thanks to P for betaing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mels is back in a field in Leadworth--but why?
> 
> River pretends to be a goddess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes dialogue from "Let's Kill Hitler," written by Steven Moffat and obtained via jpgr's transcripts on LiveJournal and canon information from the book _The Spear of Destiny._ I don't own the text from the first item, and you don't need knowledge of the other item to read this.

Mels pursed her lips in the rear view mirror of her Corvette. Everything was going together the way she wanted. Amy and Rory told her they needed to go somewhere to meet with someone they didn't name. She was right in deducing they were taking Rory's Mini to meeting the Doctor. She was also right in deducing the car she stole was an undercover detective's car with two guns in the driver's compartment. The day had arrived. She was about to kill the Doctor. And she was about to do it in front of her parents, who were about to learn they were her parents. She knew her parents would hate that, but the Doctor was a horrible man who needed to be stopped. The universe would be safer without him. 

Mels blinked. She realised that, hours ago, she went back to her apartment in the fifty-first century and went to bed after teaching a class at Luna University. She shouldn't have been in her Mels body from years ago driving to the TARDIS just outside of Leadworth. She should be in her River Song body, and right now, she missed how much it felt being in her "mature" body.

She gripped the steering wheel. Everything felt real. The sun hitting her skin, the wind in her braids, the leather in the car. It wasn't a dream. It couldn't be a dream. Nothing happened before she went to bed to cause her to dream what she was experiencing. She knew about psychic pollen; her parents were accidentally dosed with it before her conception and had told her about it during one of her visits to their home. And she hadn't been to the Candle Meadows in a long time. Certainly psychic pollen didn't put her back in the Corvette she stole the first time.

Mels went through anything and everything she recorded in her River Song body that was similar to psychic pollen. She couldn't think of anything. And then she realised she wasn't sure if she recorded anything. But she knew that was impossible. It was on this trip to Berlin in 1938 that she attempted to kill Hitler. Instead, Hitler accidentally killed her--Mels, not Melody Pond for good. It was in Berlin she regenerated and tried to kill the Doctor before it was his time to be "killed." It was in Berlin where she was almost punished by the _Teselecta._ It was in Berlin where she learned about who she was destined to be, River Song, and it was also where she saved the Doctor from dying, giving up her remaining regenerations to do so. She had written about these things in her diary beside some of the Doctor's rules he gave her. 

Then it hit her: someone had trapped her in her Mels body to kill the Doctor. And, quite possibly, they were trying to get her to regenerate into her River Song body without everything she learned as River Song. They even knew about, and were depriving her of, her diary. She had become someone's bespoke psychopath again. She didn't know who was forcing her to relive Berlin again. It wasn't Kovarian or the Silence; they thought the Doctor was dead and River was in prison for her own safety.

Until she figured out who was forcing her to relive Berlin, she had to keep from regenerating. Even if it twisted her own timeline. She'd fix it later, some way, somehow, so she wouldn't be in the Mels body for the rest of her days. For now, she recalled what happened when she first met her parents and the Doctor in a field in Leadworth. She had to re-enact what happened there until the person she was dealing with twisted her tale.

Mels remembered she drove through Amy and Rory's "DOCTOR" crop circle, so she did that again. She stopped the Corvette at the TARDIS, causing Amy, Rory, and the Doctor to get out of the way.

"You said he was funny," Mels said to Amy and Rory. "You never said he was hot."

"Mels?" Rory said.

"What are you doing here?" Amy added.

"Following you. What do you think?"

While the Doctor was using the Corvette to stand himself up, Rory asked Mels where she got said Corvette. "It's mine...ish," she replied.

Police sirens started sounding in the distance. 

"Oh, Mels, not again," Amy said. Mels had a history of stealing all sorts of things, and the Corvette was, at the time, her latest illegal catch.

"You can't keep doing this. You'll end up in prison," Rory said.

Meanwhile, the Doctor was confused. Very, very confused.

Mels started walking up to the TARDIS, stroking it. The stroking this time stung Mels' heart, now that she knew the TARDIS, along with her parents, gave her life. "Is that the phone box? The bigger-on-the-inside phone box? Time travel--that's just brilliant." Mels turned her attention to the Doctor. "Yeah, I've heard a lot about you. I'm their best mate."

"Then why don't I know you?" the Doctor said. "I danced with everyone at the wedding. The women were all brilliant. The men were a bit shy."

"I don't do weddings." Mels pulled out the gun from the Corvette and pointed it at the Doctor's head. "And I don't do waiting. You're my ride out of here."

"Mels!" Amy said.

"For God's sake!" Rory said.

"Take me anywhere you want, Time Boy, but I want a kiss first."

"Okay, okay, I'll kiss you."

Mels leaned in for a kiss, but she stopped herself. She remembered checking her lips in the Corvette's mirror. Whoever wanted the Doctor dead put the Judas tree poison lipstick on her lips already. The first time the third Melody did this, she applied the lipstick while bluffing about looking for a scale to weigh herself. Melody did check out her bum in a mirror and was delighted about what she saw, but she was mostly hellbent on killing the Doctor that day.

"Psych." Mels pointed her gun at the Doctor. "Hey, Time Boy, you've got a time machine, I've got a gun. What the hell--let's kill Hitler."

The Doctor opened the TARDIS doors. He ran inside. Mels followed him, followed by Amy and Rory. 

Mels kept her gun pointed at the Doctor. As she was doing that, she noticed her River Song incarnation was beside her. She was in her outfit she wore when she was trapped in the TARDIS as it exploded and protected her in a time loop.

"The TARDIS interface," Mels said. "You're appearing in front of me as...me."

"Indeed, I am the TARDIS Voice Visual Interface," the River Song hologram said. "I'm programmed to select the image of a person you esteem. Of several billion such images in my databanks, this one best meets the criterion."

"You picked this image of me because you know something's wrong. And I am your child."

"Someone is meddling with time." The interface, unlike the TARDIS itself, didn't show a lot of empathy, even to her daughter. "I've tried to alert the Doctor, but he and his companions have not noticed me, unlike you."

"You mean my parents. Other than you, of course. Do you know anything about who or what's doing this to us?"

"Someone is meddling with time," the River Song hologram said before fading.

Mels sighed. Sticking to her plan of remembering who she was seemed like the best thing to do at the moment, especially since it wasn't time for her to shoot the TARDIS to force it to land in Berlin. And the TARDIS' hologram of her reminded her of a certain picnic and what happened afterwards.

 

Uppsala, Sweden, 141 ACE. It wasn't Asgard yet, but thousands of years later, it would be, in the myths of those who believed in the Norse gods and in the works of Snorri Sturluson.

Sometime after River was imprisoned on Stormcage, the Doctor told River about the journey he took to Uppsala with Jo to retrieve Odin's spear, Gungnir, the spear better known as the Spear of Destiny. Although River couldn't interfere with the history of the Spear of Destiny without radically altering history and Norse mythology, she still wanted to go to Uppsala. In between dates with her Doctor, she found time to go to Uppsala herself. She wanted to see old Uppsala for herself, for one. Two, she thought it would be a great place for the Doctor and her to have a date.

After the Doctor and Jo Grant returned the Spear of Destiny to the 1970s, away from the hands of both Frey--who was actually the greying Master in disguise--and Odin, a tribe that opposed the local Aesir, the Vanir, damaged the walls around Uppsala. The Aesir needed the wall repaired, and quickly, in case the Vanir came back. A man, not from the Vanir tribe but also not from the Aesir tribe, rode on horseback to Asgard. He had a plan the gods could not resist.

 

Odin waited until the male nobles of Asgard were seated in their great hall. Then he asked a servant to allow the mysterious man to enter in the open space where the nobles weren't seated. 

"Heimdall said you had a proposition for us," Odin said. 

"I do. I want to rebuild the wall around Asgard. I promise to make it stronger and higher than it ever was before. It will take me three years. Six months on, six months off. As long as the weather is well, I shall build your wall. But. I want something in return."

"What is it?"

"I want the hand of Freyja of the Vanir in marriage."

The nobles murmured. 

"And I want the sun and the moon."

The nobles then broke out into laugher. 

A gentleman with red hair spoke as the other nobles laughed and talked over each other. "I say we give this man the sun, the moon, and Freyja if he completes his task. We want to reward this man for his hard work. We don't want to deprive him of his pay, do we?"

Odin, hearing the man's voice, nodded. "It is settled. Builder, if you can build a wall around Uppsala in three seasons without the help of any man, the sun, the moon and Freyja are yours."

The nobles quieted down when Odin spoke, confused that Odin would say such a thing. The man was pleased his opinion was picked up by Odin, but he didn't let it show on his face.

 

River had her picnic with the Doctor. Not _her_ Doctor, the one who came before him. The one that, although she didn't know it yet, would witness her death in the Library. At this point in his timeline, he was dying and saying farewell to everyone he ever knew, including River. He was too proud to admit this to River before he took off in his TARDIS on his farewell tour.

The Doctor that came to River's picnic wasn't the one she was expecting. Still, she decided to have her picnic with him, to pick up his spirits. She sensed he was about to regenerate. She attempted to soothe his fears about regeneration without mentioning it. Of course, it's hard to mention to someone who shouldn't know about his future incarnations, let alone his future wife, that regeneration wasn't the worst thing a Time Lord (or anyone that could regenerate like a Time Lord, like herself) could go through. In the end, she concluded her best was good enough. He was still sad he was going to lose the spiky brown hair and the massive sideburns. She was happy she met one of her husband's many faces without needing to kiss it with hallucinogenic lipstick.

With her picnic out of the way, River decided to sneak into the nearby great hall. She wasn't going to hang around Sweden for days because the Doctor didn't input the coordinates she gave him in the TARDIS correctly again. And she was an archeologist, after all. Why not study the people that came before the Vikings?

 

"This is the brightest great hall I've ever been in," River thought as she was sneaking around this Great Hall. "Oh, right. Gladsheim. The Norse 'Bright Home.' Odin illuminates this great hall with the biggest fire he can make so he can see everyone because of his one eye."

A man with with one of his eyes sewn shut and a long, grey beard walked past River. He stopped after he saw River. He smiled. "Welcome back, Freyja. Where were you when we needed you when we were fighting the Vanir?"

River blinked. She realised the man destined to be the leader of the Norse gods, Odin, was talking to her. She was bewildered at first. She wasn't wearing a necklace like Brísingamen or a cloak made out of feathers. Then she decided to play along with Odin. "I was busy. I looked for my husband again. I can never find him. You know how these things are, Father. I was on my way to Fólkvangr to tend to affairs there."

Odin nodded. "Please come into the main hall. We're trying to resolve the issue with our guest and his unusual proposition. You'll be the only woman there, because the proposition involves you."

The mention of Odin's guest didn't give River any pause.

 

The guest Odin hinted at was the builder who built a wall around Uppsala--a village which would be later known in myth as Vahalla. That builder asked for three things: the sun, the moon, and Freyja if he managed to build the wall. All three were impossible to obtain. Odin and his associates could not capture the sun nor the moon, and the real Freyja was yet to be seen. Odin only knew two of those three things were impossible. 

River could've mentioned she wasn't actually Freyja, but she was fearful about what Odin and his associates would do to her. That and she knew the rest of this story by heart--she was actually in what would become a story in the _Gylfaginning,_ itself a part of Snorri's Stuluson's book on Norse mythology, the _Prose Edda._ The builder was actually an enemy of Odin and his associates, referred to in myth as a jötnar, and Thor was destined to kill him. Telling them all that would create a paradox. And none of these people seemed like they were in the mood for any spoilers. So she let them argue about trying to break off the deal with the builder. 

Odin silenced those in the hall after a lengthy fight. "Now who among us decided that we should give the builder the sun, moon, and Freyja to him?"

"Don't look at me," River said. "I wouldn't offer myself as a prize to a man I barely know. It's bad enough being married to a frequently absent husband."

The rest of the people in the hall denied their involvement with the deal. All except for one man.

"That leaves only one possible person who dared to offer this builder the sun, the moon, and Freyja. Someone who is known to give others bad advice." Odin stood up and pointed to a man with long red hair and a grin on his face that was fading. "Loki."

Loki shook his head. "I cannot take the oath back, Odin."

"You will take the oath back or I will have you executed by Thor."

The other people in the hall started agreeing with Odin and created a cacophony. River sat back and watched on in bemusement. 

After several people threatened to kill Loki, Loki spoke over all of them. "My apologies." His voice was shaking in fear. "I will take the oath back from the builder. But please, do not kill me."

River smirked, trying not to hold back a laugh.

 

In myth, Loki turned into a mare. Loki the mare attracted the builder's horse, Svadilfari, by going into heat. Eventually Loki returned, having given birth to an eight-legged horse, Sleipnir. 

River decided to hide and watch Loki, to see if he would follow through with his plan to cheat the builder from earning his prize.

What River saw while she was hiding behind trees near the wall that protected Uppsala was Loki, still shaken from the great hall meeting, hopping on a mare and riding into the night.

River sighed. If only her husband appeared at their picnic when she informed him of it, this wouldn't be happening.

And as soon as she thought that, the TARDIS materialised near her hiding place. The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS. "River, I'm ready for a--"

"Shut up."

"Shut up?"

"I'm trying to recreate this Norse myth so that history won't be changed for good."

The Doctor lowered his voice. "Ooh. Which myth are we doing?"

" _Prose Edda, Gylfaginning,_ chapter 42. Loki fools the Jötunn pretending to not be a Jötunn so Thor can kill him. Meanwhile, Loki gets pregnant with the builder's horse before coming back to Valhalla."

"Where are we now?"

"The part where Loki is supposed to seduce the builder's horse in the form of a mare. But he decided to hop on a mare and flee Uppsala for a spell. You wouldn't have a spare mare somewhere, Doctor?"

"I might. I think I have an appropriate horse in the zoo. Be right back."

The Doctor ran back into the TARDIS. He came out riding a pure white horse and a Stetson. "Hi-ho, Silver!"

"Will you get off of that thing?"

The Doctor climbed off of the horse. "Oh, alright." He prodded the horse towards the builder's horse. The Doctor's horse ran to the builder's horse. As River and the Doctor talked, the horses nuzzled each other.

"You made sure your horse had an interest in the builder's horse. Brilliant, Doctor."

"I didn't know that horse was that way."

"That's not surprising."

"Are we still having our picnic?"

"Of course. But not here. We already had a picnic here, remember?"

The Doctor nodded. "Right."

"How about we go to a nightclub after this is all over? You know, like the Eye of Harmony?"

"River, the Eye of Harmony isn't a nightclub."

"Then why were you obsessed with it when you used to dress like you were about to go for a round of cricket?"

The Doctor pointed at the two horses. "The horses are running away so they can do their thing! And here comes a man with red hair and a beard coming for the builder. I think we'd better leave now, River."

"Don't you want to see a man bludgeon someone to death?"

"Once in my lifetime is enough for me. Let's go."

The Doctor took River into the TARDIS as the story of the builder was preserved for generations to come.


	2. The Brandenberg Gate/Werelok of London

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mels dangles from the Brandenberg Gate.
> 
> River inconveniently turns into a were-creature during a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Werelox are from the Marvel Comics run of Doctor Who comics, but you don't need to read them to read this chapter.

Mels found herself dangling from the Brandenberg Gate, hanging off of its quadriga. She wasn't sure what had happened. One minute, she was waiting for her cue to shoot inside the TARDIS. The next, she was about to fall eighty-five feet to the ground below--that is, if she let go of the horse's legs she was holding on to. This convinced Mels that someone was trying to get her to regenerate as the third Melody Pond and forget she was ever River Song. Someone with a grudge against the Doctor. She'd go through possibilities as soon as someone saved her from falling and possibly regenerating. 

The TARDIS hurdled towards the Brandenberg Gate, stopping right where the woman was dangling. "Good old Mummy--she knows best," Mels thought.

The Doctor opened the TARDIS doors. "Mels, hello! I'm the Doctor, and I'm here to rescue you. Just hang on. I'm going to get you in the TARDIS." 

Mels blinked. The Doctor had forgotten she was in the TARDIS with Amy and Rory. Whoever was playing with time was also keeping the Doctor, Amy, and Rory oblivious about what was going on.

"Come and catch me, Time Boy. It's not like you won't be doing that for me a lot."

"What?"

"Penny in the air..."

Mels knew this oblivious Doctor wouldn't know when that particular penny would drop. She let go of the horse's legs. The Doctor grabbed her as she fell into the TARDIS. 

"How'd you get up there?" the Doctor asked Mels.

"I have no idea, Doctor. But we're way off course." Mels pulled out one of her guns and shot the TARDIS. She grabbed a railing around the TARDIS console with a smile.

"You shot my TARDIS! You shot the console!" the Doctor said.

It would take a while for the TARDIS to crash-land into Hitler's office. Mels knew it was time for her to remember being River Song. Like the one time she became a Werelok.

 

The temple of Amun in Thebes was the workshop of the Osirian Amun while the Osirians were on Earth. There, Amun made robots that look like clay figurines, boats that were also transport vehicles, and other devices he was inspired to make.

A temple like that was sure to interest some of the galaxy's more infamous archeologists--like River Song. She decided to visit the temple during Earth's thirty-second century.

When she decided to travel to the temple, though, she learned she was not alone. She saw a crashed Dalek spaceship near the temple. But the temple wasn't a wasteland like most other post-Dalek environments she visited. The temple was still standing. Nothing else looked disturbed. 

River decided to go inside the temple, her hand hovering over her blaster.

In one of the rooms in the temple, River heard clay pottery smashing to the ground. Then, a voice: "Stop destroying those jars." 

River knew the voice well. It was the voice of someone turned into a Werelok, alien werewolf beings with dangerous fangs and claws. The Werelox were once slaves of the Daleks. River concluded that these particular Werelox successfully rebelled against and killed the Daleks that enslaved them before landing at the Temple of Amun. Then, in search of something--River narrowed those things down to "food," "water," and "victims"--the Werelox headed inside of the temple.

"We can't grab these jars," another Werelok said. "We slash and bite clean. That's what we do well."

River ran into the room, blaster in hand. She shrugged. "I suggest you stick to that, slashing and biting clean, you overgrown mutts."

The Werelox charged at River. River managed to shoot all of them dead--but not before one of them ripped the back of her clothes.

River shrugged the scratch off. She didn't feel the Werelok's claws scratching her skin. Besides, she had a date at Buckingham Palace with the Doctor that she intended to keep. Exploring the Temple of Amun would have to wait.

 

The Doctor and River were invited to a "breakfast" held in Buckingham Palace in 1867. 

"It makes no sense," the Doctor said as he was walking around the TARDIS, invitation in hand. Along with a black bowtie, he was wearing black shoes, a white waistcoat and black trousers. He held on to his top hat with his left hand, fearful that River was going to destroy it. "The invitation says we're going to breakfast, but this garden party is in the afternoon. What kind of human takes their breakfast in the afternoon instead of the morning? I don't get it."

"I assume the royal family is breaking a fast in a way." River straightened out her purple dress. 

"Well, why can't they break their fast in the morning like everyone else? Ridiculous. When we get there, I'm going to demand the Queen call these things 'garden parties,' not 'breakfasts.' It should be okay. It's 1867. I'm not banished from the British Empire. Yet."

"I'm amazed your banishment from the British Empire lasted so long."

"I'm more incensed about the lives lost because Queen Victoria was so hellbent to take me down. And all because of a space werewolf." The Doctor groaned. "But let's not think about that. Let's have fun at this breakfast that shouldn't be called a breakfast."

The TARDIS materialised close to Buckingham Palace, inside the gates. As they stepped out of the TARDIS, River and the Doctor were stopped by a Queen's Guard.

"And who are you?" the guard asked.

"I'm the Doctor. This is my wife, River Song."

The guard blinked. "This is an inappropriate marriage. I cannot let the two of you enter the breakfast. You'll be the laughingstock of the guests."

"Oh, no, I'm the older one in this relationship," the Doctor said. "She only looks older, but she's several hundred years younger than I am."

River winked at the guard. "My age is a secret, sweetie."

"I cannot let the two of you enter the breakfast."

"You've already said that. I think you have a problem with our relationship, not us." River sighed.

"River, I like when you fight for me, but now is not the time to be fighting with anyone."

River started to growl. 

"Or to be growling at anyone."

Once someone is infected with the Werelok virus, the first things to change are the hands. They rapidly grow claws and hair. The rest of the body follows with rapid and massive hair growth. Their face starts to look more lupine-like, growing a bigger jaw and long, venomous teeth. 

River fell to her knees as the transformation took place. The guard stood his ground. The Doctor looked on in shock. Once the transformation was complete, she roared at the guard.

People waiting to get inside the breakfast ran in all directions to keep away from River. They ran inside the palace and were pushed back by Queen's Guards. They ran around in the courtyard. They even ran out of the gate and onto the street.

The guard drew a sword out at River. "If I cut you, you'll turn back. It changes all werewolves back."

The Doctor waved his hands. "No, no. River is not a werewolf. She's...well, she's not a werewolf. We are not cutting anyone today."

The guard swung his sword at River. River grabbed the blade and broke the sword without cutting her hands, growling throughout. River froze after breaking the sword, blinking as she held the two pieces in her hand. "Did I break this sword?"

"Yes, because you're a werewolf," the guard replied.

"I don't usually break swords with my bare hands. I prefer guns."

The guard's eyes widened.

"Oh, come off of it. I'm not going to kill you."

The guard ran inside Buckingham Palace, screaming.

"Sometimes you can't tell men anything," River said to the Doctor. "But I do think there's something wrong with me."

"Oh, I know. I've seen this before. You've been scratched by a Werelok. Lucky for you, your Time Lordy brain hasn't been overcome by the venom. It's the only reason why you can sensibly talk with people. You should've told me you encountered Wereloks before our date, River."

"I didn't think I was infected."

"You are lucky that I know how to make an anti-venom that'll turn you back into yourself. Quick, back inside the TARDIS. Let's go to the sick bay."

"Up the stairs, left, then left again. I'll meet you there."

"I never told you about the sick bay before."

"You really need to start listening to your TARDIS more, sweetie. It's bad enough you still keep the brakes on." River ran towards the TARDIS.

"There's nothing wrong with keeping the brakes on," the Doctor said, running after River.

 

In the TARDIS' sick bay, the Doctor picked up a gizmo that looked like it had a needle attached to its front. "Now what I'm about to do is I'm going to jab you in one of your fingers with this thing."

River was lying down in the bed in the sick bay. "You don't know the name of it?"

The Doctor shook his head. "I don't know. It's a stabby thing with a needle on it. Anyway, I'm going to collect Werelok venom from venom ducts in your fingers so I can make an anti-venom. I'm going to have to stun you so you don't infect me and Sexy here doesn't have to babysit a couple of wolves through time and space."

"Sweetie, you know that I would never--"

River roared and tried to slash the Doctor. The Doctor took out his sonic screwdriver and stunned River. "I'm sorry, dear." 

The Doctor put the needle gizmo in one of River's fingers. It quickly drew out whatever Werelok venom it could pull out. The Doctor looked at River's blood in the gizmo. "Ooh. Werelok venom, still as green as ever."

After pulling out as much Werelok venom as he could, the Doctor took the venom to his laboratory. "I hope this doesn't take me three months like last time."

Making the anti-venom took the Doctor ten minutes, like he was told the last time he made it. Centuries ago, the Doctor was also affected with the Werelox virus. The only thing keeping him in control was K-9. This time, he could concentrate on making an anti-venom without losing his mind.

Meanwhile, River was losing her mind. She peered into the Doctor's laboratory before roaring.

The Doctor stood up. "No, no, no. Bad River. Out of the laboratory."

River roared.

The Doctor pulled out his screwdriver again and stunned her again. "When she turns back into herself, she's going to let me have it."

 

The Doctor injected River with the Werelox anti-venom. Within a matter of minutes, everything that River had grown while infected with the Werelox virus had fallen off, as if River had worn a costume for a short period of time. 

River, however, was still unconscious. The Doctor took River to the Zero Room to recover. While she rested, the Doctor cleaned up and disposed of anything Werelox in the TARDIS.

After cleaning up, the Doctor sat in front of the entrance to the Zero Room. He thought about the day when he knew he might have to send River to her death. He knew she would recover from this Werelox infection. But he had a feeling he'd feel miserable as he was right now, waiting for River to wake up.

And wake up she did. There was a thump in the Zero Room. Then another thump. The Doctor stood up and entered the Zero Room. He saw River floating around the room, jumping off of the room's walls. She was doing backflips and spinning her body around as if she was an ice skater.

After a moment, River noticed the Doctor. She stopped bouncing around the Zero Room, but she still was floating. "Hello, Sweetie."

"I never taught you to levitate."

"I know, Doctor. I learned about it from Nyssa."

"Nyssa? When did you meet Nyssa?"

"After she stopped traveling with you for a while, dear. She was a professor at Luna University for a spell."

"And somehow she taught you how to levitate?"

"After I told her about you making me study you, asking her about Time Lord levitation was a piece of cake."

"I don't have any cake in the TARDIS, River. We can stop and get some while we're here in London."

"Never mind."

 

With River now cured of the Werelox virus, River and the Doctor returned to the Queen's breakfast. The people that had fled getting into the breakfast earlier were back in line to get in, as if nothing happened. No one noticed that the same woman back in line with her husband. That is, except for the Queen's Guard who tried to deny entry to the Doctor and River. When he saw them, he ran out the front gates of Buckingham Palace and into the streets of London, screaming. People watched the guard screaming and running away confused, but it didn't deter them from getting into the breakfast.

The breakfast proceeded as planned. Queen Victoria and her family greeted the people attending the breakfast in a formal ceremony before personally greeting those attending the breakfast. Tea and sandwiches were served at various points in the garden.

River and the Doctor stood under a tree in the garden, watching the Queen and her family greeting other people at the breakfast. River cleared her throat as the Queen introduced herself to River and the Doctor. She curtsied to the Queen. "Your Highness, I'm River Song." She pointed to the Doctor. "This is the Doctor, the most wonderful man in the galaxy. He'd do anything for me. I'm so proud to call him my husband."

River kissed the Doctor on his cheek. He did a dance before straightening himself up and bowing before the Queen


	3. Change the Script/Getting Away with It in Vegas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mels makes a run to the Hotel Adlon.
> 
> River and the Doctor celebrate an anniversary in Las Vegas.

Hitler was supposed to shoot at the _Teselecta._ Hitler's bullet should've hit Mels by accident, forcing her to regenerate. But when Mels stepped out of the TARDIS, there was no _Teselecta._

Mels didn't know whether Hitler was in his office or not. She didn't know if Hitler was going to shoot at her or not. Once the TARDIS doors opened, she ran.

She was able to find a hiding place in one of the closets in the Old Reich Chancellery. There, she hoped the trick of "don't look in every room, including the closets" would work on the Doctor, Amy, and Rory. It did. They bypassed her closet as they ran down the hall looking for her.

The TARDIS interface's words came to her in that moment: _Someone is meddling with time._ Not some _thing,_ some _one._

There was one person Mels could think of that would want revenge on the Doctor and would go about it in this way. The Monk. He was the one meddling in her parents' timeline, the Doctor's timeline, and her own timeline to attempt to kill the Doctor. Mels assumed this part of her timeline was easy for the Monk to manipulate because the Doctor did almost die in 1938 and not at the date he was supposed to die. Had she not retained her memories, all the work Mels had made to made sure she existed would've gone to waste. 

Mels decided to steal a motorcycle to look for the Monk. Stealing a motorcycle was easy for Mels, and so was driving them. She had plenty of practice when she was on school trips as Mels and getting away from situations as River. The only downside is that she couldn't use her regeneration powers, like the last time she stole a motorcycle here. And, knowing the Monk, he'd meddle to have Amy, Rory, and the Doctor find her in this alternate timeline. Well, that and forcing her to regenerate in some way, of course.

Mels remembered she still had her guns in this warped timeline because she avoided regenerating in Hitler's office. And they were mostly loaded. That made everything easier. She burst out of the closet and started running.

As soon as she started running, she ran into the Doctor, Amy, and Rory. She wasn't surprised.

"Ah-ha! I found you," the Doctor said. "We still can't leave Berlin yet because the TARDIS hasn't repaired itself. But we need to stick together, Mels."

Mels took out one of her guns. She aimed it at the Doctor. She had to keep up appearances. "Mum, Dad, Time Boy, don't follow me." 

"What are you doing?" Rory asked. "I'm not your dad, and Amy's not your mum."

"Penny in the air," Mels said, softly and sadly.

"Mels, I'm not going to let you kill the Doctor," Amy said.

Mels shot the gun above their heads, causing all of them to duck. She was impressed at her ability to leave a bullet in the Old Reich Chancellery's ceiling. "That's a warning," she said as she ran past them and everyone else in the chancellery to the streets of Berlin.

Mels ran to where she remembered stealing a solider's motorcycle. The Monk would have those soldiers loitering near the motorcycles. Of course. Mels drew out both of her guns and approached the soldiers. "I'm in a bit of a hurry," Mels said. "You blokes mind if I borrow one of your motorcycles?"

The soldiers drew their guns out at her. Their guns were bigger than Mels' guns.

"Of course not," Mels said. She ran past the soldiers and hopped on one of the motorcycles. It turned out to be the exact same motorcycle she stole in her third body last time, already powered on for her convenience. Mels waved goodbye to the soldiers. "Thanks, boys!"

In this alternate timeline, Mels knew Amy, Rory, and the Doctor would try to stop her from getting away. She had to evade them first. Then she would head to the Hotel Adlon. It was her last stop before she gave away all her regeneration energy to the Doctor. If the Monk wasn't there...well, River Song, as she once knew her, had a nice life. 

And speaking of River Song, she wished she was her again, spending another anniversary with him in Las Vegas, not here, trying to undo the Monk's mess.

 

It began as a bet in the TARDIS--who was better at counting cards, the Doctor or River. That bet sent the two to a casino in Las Vegas, where, at a crowded blackjack table, River and the Doctor were the last players standing against the dealer. 

Both River and the Doctor were holding on twenty-one points. She had a queen of hearts and an ace of diamonds. The Doctor had a two of clubs, a three of hearts, a four of diamonds, a five of spades, and a seven of clubs. The dealer had sixteen points--a four of clubs, a six of hearts, and a two of hearts. She couldn't hold unless she had seventeen or more points. She had to draw.

The dealer went bust--she drew a king of diamonds. River and the Doctor won, and since getting exactly twenty-one points meant a high payout, they both got one and half times more than what they wagered.

The Doctor and River ended up winning four more times, getting exactly twenty-one every time. Their wins defied the casino (let alone most casinos') odds. After the fifth time they won, the Doctor nudged River. Using his head, he pointed out a security camera close to their table. He also pointed out a pit boss hovering closer and closer to them.

The Doctor mouthed "River, run." The two fled the table and headed to the cashier's booth to cash in their chips.

 

The Doctor and River determined they had enough money for two things in Vegas: a hotel suite and a vow renewal ceremony. They decided to do the vow ceremony first. However, they couldn't decide on where to renew their vows.

"What about the Chapel of the Flowers?" River said, looking at a map of Las Vegas chapels in the TARDIS.

"No. Too small."

"They say a lot of celebrities have gotten married there."

The Doctor blew a raspberry. "I've been married to Earth celebrities. I don't want to be married to them again. Let's move on."

River sighed. "Oh, all right."

"What about A Little White Wedding Chapel?"

"Don't you need a car? We don't have a car. And we can't get married in the TARDIS. I don't think she likes drive-throughs."

"You're going to have to make up your mind on a wedding chapel soon or I'm going to teleport myself back to Stormcage."

"I like this chapel," the Doctor said, pointing to Graceland Wedding Chapel on the map. The Doctor then changed the screen to a photo of the chapel. "This one has an Elvis."

"That's a sign with Elvis on it."

"That means we can get married by Elvis."

"An Elvis impersonator, not Elvis. Elvis died in 1977."

"I know that. Did I ever tell you that I taught Elvis how to play guitar? He learned from me well. Just couldn't play G, though. I taught him over and over to play G and he never got it." The Doctor pouted.

"There was nothing wrong with the other chapels in Vegas."

"They didn't have Elvis. Please, River? I want to renew our vows here."

"Oh, alright."

The Doctor danced around in a circle. He grabbed River's hand, and the two of them ran into the chapel.

 

Before the Doctor and River were to renew their vows, River disappeared.

The Doctor, being the Doctor, panicked. The two had already spent a portion of their earnings on the chapel's biggest wedding package, which included Elvis impersonators, a photographer, and a videographer. He looked in and out of every door in the chapel. He even looked in the chapel's flower case, even though River, obviously, would not be able to fit in the chapel's flower case.

 _I don't do weddings._ The words echoed in the Doctor's head. Sure, young Melody Pond, going by Mels at the time, said that, but what if River decided, all of a sudden, not to do weddings again?

 

Elvis Presley was goofing around on his Graceland estate. The year was 1957; he had bought the property, located outside of Memphis at the time, weeks ago. He was stunned to see River appear out of nowhere in front of him. River had used her vortex manipulator to travel to find Elvis in this time and place.

"Excuse me, Mr Presley?" River walked closer to Elvis. "My husband claims to have known you and taught you the guitar. Except, he claims, you weren't very good at learning how to play the G note. I assume he doesn't mean the note in major or in minor. I'm River Song, the Doctor's wife, and I was wondering if you'd like to walk me down the aisle and give me to my husband. It shouldn't take more than an hour."

 

River reappeared in the chapel with Elvis. Someone notified the Doctor when they saw her hanging out with someone who looked familiar, but couldn't recognise. 

The Doctor danced his way to the altar, delighted that River, unlike Mels, still did weddings.

Once the Doctor saw Elvis walking down the aisle with Elvis, he yelled over the processional music, a recording of "Love Me Tender." "River! You brought Elvis to our wedding. You clever girl."

River nodded and smiled. The Elvis impersonators--the chaplain, dressed in an Elvis jumpsuit, as well as another Elvis impersonator in a jumpsuit, and another in a gold suit, like the one on the cover of _50,000,000 Elvis Fans Can't Be Wrong,_ looked at the real Elvis in shock. Yet they were able to go through the renewal ceremony.

The Elvis chaplain led River and the Doctor through pre-arranged vows based on Elvis song lyrics. The real Elvis was confused when the equally confused chaplain asked if River was committed to marrying her "hunk of burning love" and if the Doctor was ready to embrace "the wonder, the wonder of" River. But the real Elvis understood what the chaplain meant by "let's play house."

After River and the Doctor traded their vows and kissed, the Elvis singer in the jumpsuit and the Elvis in the gold suit began a singing duel. The real Elvis tried to sing along with the Elvis impersonators, but the Elvis impersonators knew his songs, especially everything he did after April 1957, better than he did.

River left the musical duel to excuse herself to the bathroom. The people in the chapel couldn't remember hanging out with Elvis from 1957. River planned to kiss everyone in the chapel goodbye. 

And kiss everyone but the Doctor goodbye she did. She started after the singers ended their duel with "Viva Las Vegas." By the time she was done, the chapel staff were convinced someone left them a very big tip from a previous wedding held there.

While River went on her kissing spree, the Doctor grabbed the cameras in the chapel and loaded them all in the TARDIS. Then River took the real Elvis back to 1957.

 

It's said that, in April 1957, a crazed fan of Elvis' managed to jump the fence at Graceland and run all the way to the house there. She kissed Elvis before running in and out of the house with great speed.

Someone in the house at that time said they thought the woman was about five feet eight inches and looked to be in her forties, much older than the typical Elvis fan. They weren't sure exactly how tall she was, since she had some of the biggest curly hair they had ever seen. She wore a flowing black dress and red high heels. They couldn't remember the woman actually going in and out of the house, but they assumed it was the only way she managed to make herself disappear.

Whoever she was, she wasn't ever arrested by the Memphis Police Department. And Elvis couldn't remember kissing, let alone meeting, a five foot eight inch woman in her forties with big curly hair.

 

River and the Doctor were at the check-in desk in Caesar's Palace. Going to Caesar's Palace was surprisingly a mutual decision for the two of them. He liked the hotel's Ancient Rome theme. She wanted to flirt with the actors pretending to be Romans.

"We shouldn't tell the TARDIS about this. She tends to take offence when I spend time living outside of her. Once I shared a London summer home with Romana--brunette Romana, not blonde Romana. When we got back to the TARDIS after about a month's time, the TARDIS kept scolding me for days."

"We're in Las Vegas celebrating our union. I don't think the TARDIS takes too much offence to that. And she likes me."

"I know."

River walked up to the desk attendant on duty. "Hello. What's the most expensive room I can get for about thirty-five hundred dollars for a night? My husband and I are celebrating our wedding anniversary, and I'd like something very luxurious and private."

"We have a suite open in the Octavian tower," the desk attendant said. "It's thirty-five hundred dollars a night. Would you like that?"

"Oh, I would love that. And while you're at it, I want to be listed under the names Mr and Mrs John Pond. If he complains about the names, tell him it was his idea in the first place."

"We deal with pseudonyms all the time, Mrs Pond. We'll keep your identities secret. Do you need any luggage sent to your room?"

"No. We have a very spacious vehicle with a lot of storage. We'll be fine."

 

Hours later, police were called to Octavian Tower. There were reports of a woman screaming in one of the rooms there. People were concerned about the woman's well being.

The police rang the doorbell of the suite Mr and Mrs Pond shared. A couple of minutes later, a woman opened the door.

"Are you Mrs Pond?" one of the officers asked.

"I am."

"We heard reports of screaming in this room."

River cleared her throat. "Sorry, officer. I believe it was me. I'm quite the screamer. Once I get going, I can't control myself. Been a while since I've been...refreshed. I'll try to keep it down."

River winked at the officers. The officers left River and the Doctor's suite, and River went back to business.


	4. Melody Malone: Deadly Duplicate in Old New York Town/The Monk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An excerpt from a Melody Malone book (in first person).
> 
> Mels finds the Monk and takes her chances.

River actually wrote most of the _Melody Malone_ books. She sent them to her mother, since her mother published _Melody Malone: Private Detective in Old New York Town_ and its prequel novel, _The Angel's Kiss: A Melody Malone Mystery._ After her parents were taken by Weeping Angels, River stayed in New York on and off until 1946, investigating strange phenomenon in the city. After each case, she'd write up her case notes, in the first person, and send them to her mother, since the Doctor couldn't ever visit the Ponds again. 

River wrote the following for what would eventually be a short story collection, _Melody Malone: Deadly Duplicate in Old New York Town and Other Stories._

 

For once, it was a brilliant night in New York City. No cats or dogs or stair rods were raining for once. As the only employee of the Angel Detective Agency, that gave me an excuse from my busy schedule of nothing. It's a consequence of the work I do. Looking for cheating men and murderous molls would pay the bills, but I'm not interested in what your standard run-of-the-mill private detective does. I sat at the window, looking at the sky, dreaming of the places I've been, the places I've yet to see, and the places I don't think I'll ever see, I'm afraid. I've seen a lot of things, but in my line of work, I'm destined to die young. It's only the ageless gods most people will never meet that live for centuries.

I heard a rap at my door. It's not often people contact me for anything. I was thrilled. I love danger. It's my middle name.

In all seriousness, I don't think my mother gave me a middle name. She named me Melody, after a childhood friend of hers. How I got my name's even more complicated than it seems. And while we're on the subject of names, "complicated's" not my middle name, either, but maybe it should be. I assure you, Malone's not my last name. What it really is...ah, that's a spoiler, sweetie. 

The silhouette in the window looked familiar. The silhouette wore a fedora hat, just like I did. And the hat covered a mass of curly hair. I wear my fedora over a mass of curly hair, too. The silhouette also wore a raincoat like I did, and even packed some weaponry. In the form of cleavage, not guns.

"If you're looking for the Angel Detective Agency," I said from the window, "well, this _is_ the Angel Detective Agency. Come in."

And come in the silhouette did. My door flung open. Standing in the doorway was me. Except it wasn't me, not exactly. It was a copy of me. The same exact fedora, the same hair, the same raincoat, even the same heels. 

I should note here that I wasn't born with a twin. I was conceived and born under special circumstances, yes, but I came into this universe alone. It's what makes me...cosmopolitan.

But back to this copycat, this exact replica of me. She had a tommy gun. I did not. So when my duplicate started firing her tommy gun at me, that's when I hit the floor.

I had turned off my lights, so I knew my doppleganger couldn't see me well in the dark, away from my window, now riddled with bullet holes. I crawled as fast as I could to my desk, where I hid under it. My doppleganger entered the office, but started throwing around things away from my desk. The people that clean my office sometime in the future aren't going to be pleased about that.

I knew in that moment I needed a doctor. One with an indefinite article--a Doctor.

In my raincoat I carried a piece of paper. I was told to use it for emergencies. I'm a very naughty girl. I don't always use it for emergencies. In this case, this was an emergency. I took out the paper and wrote "Manhattan. The Angel Detective Agency. 1938. Come as soon as you can." Then I kissed the paper. Except I didn't write on the paper or kiss it at all. If you don't already know, everything about me is complicated. 

I waited a few moments while I heard my doppleganger knock around more of my things. Then, a sound, one of the most wonderful sounds in all of the galaxy. It's indescribable. But I've seen it in print as "vworp," so I think I'll go with that. Although if my husband took off the brakes, you'd never hear the "vworp" at all.

That's right. That Doctor with an indefinite article is my husband. The husband that, if you've read my biographies in the front of my books, that I'm possibly married to.

As soon as my doppleganger heard the "vworp," she left the office, tommy gun and all. Pity I couldn't use it on her before she fled. 

The "vworp" belongs to a big blue box, which appeared in the middle of my office. It's in the shape of an English police box as designed by Gilbert Mackenzie Trench. If you've been to London recently, "recently" meaning "the 1930s" for most of you lot but not for me, you've seen this type of police box before. This police box travels through time and space and it's bigger on the inside. It's a TARDIS, or so my granddaughter termed it. (You read right. I'm a grandmother. But I haven't met my granddaughter yet. I need to rectify that, and figure out a way to break the news.) I have a special connection to the TARDIS. I know I sound like a broken record here, but it's complicated.

I peered over my desk and stood up when I knew the coast was clear. I turned on my lamp near my desk and adjusted my assets accordingly.

A lanky man stepped out of the TARDIS. He had floppy brown hair and a tweed jacket. That's my errant husband, the indefinite article Doctor.

"Hi, honey, I'm home," the Doctor said.

"And what sort of time do you call this?"

"The nick of time." The Doctor chuckled. He started walking around my office. I held my breath and hoped he didn't crash into any walls or his TARDIS. "So this is the Angel Detective Agency. I thought you were an archeologist."

"I still am, honey. I can't do my work on Planet Earth for once?"

"I never said you couldn't do your work on Earth. It's just that archeologists don't usually take up residency in a detective's office."

"I'm investigating some things in New York for a spell. Things that shouldn't happen. And then I'll move on. Don't know when or where, though."

"So why am I here, Melody?" The Doctor didn't call me that. He calls me the name he calls me, the name that may or may not be my real name.

"Someone came to my door before you arrived. She tried to kill me with a tommy gun. And she looked exactly like me. She wore everything I wore. She physically looked the same way I do. But I have no idea where she came from."

"Ooh, a mystery. I love a good mystery. I don't like that it involves you, but it's still a mystery." 

The Doctor did was aim his sonic screwdriver at me. A sonic screwdriver's good for lots of applications. Except for wood. The Doctor still hasn't figured out how to build a cabinet with it, and the damn thing's called a "screwdriver." In this case, he was performing a medical scan on me, and an unnecessary one at that.

I stared at the Doctor. "Sweetie, what are you doing?"

"Making sure you're not a Ganger pretending to be my wife."

"If I was a Ganger, how could I send you a message to scare away the person who looks like me?"

The Doctor kept pointing his screwdriver at me.

"I would've melted in a puddle by now if I was a Ganger."

"I'm not done with this scan."

"Well, if you insist on pointing that thing at me, you may as well aim it a little lower."

He obeyed.

"Lower..."

He aimed lower just before he realised what I was making him do. "No, no! We don't have time for that. But your scan came out as...you. So you're you."

"I have a theory about who tried to kill me. And it involves an automat. I went to Bugle & Beckenbauer for a slice of pie and a coffee. Someone went to my table when I was there and took a sip of my coffee. They told me they were doing a quality check--something they should've done at the coffee machine. 

"Where'd they get the tommy gun from?"

"From the last sucker they took the tommy gun from. Policeman. Mobster. Who knows? You think I can get a ride to Bugle & Beckenbauer? And an Alpha Meson pistol? I left mine back in the fifty-first century."

For those of you not from the fifty-first century--and I assume most of you lot aren't going to live to see it or find a way to get there--Alpha Meson is a type of energy. It's strong enough to disintegrate things, unlike my husband's slightly useless screwdriver.

"Of course. What are the--"

"I've changed my mind. I'll fly there myself. Knowing you, you won't get there when I want to get there."

 

I flew the TARDIS first to pick up my Alpha Meson pistol, and then back to Bugle & Beckenbauer. And just in time, too--my impersonator had just walked into the automat with the tommy gun in hand. I did the only thing I could do in the moment: take my Alpha Mason pistol and shoot at my impersonator. The impersonator fell to the ground as patrons started to run towards the back of the automat.

I heard the manager exclaim "What the hell are you doing?" from the back of the automat. "You just killed someone."

"Someone with a tommy gun who was about to put bullet holes in everyone in here."

I disintegrated the tommy gun with the Alpha Mason pistol. "And I didn't attempt to kill someone with my pistol."

My doppleganger had transformed to who she--or, rather, it--was. A Zygon. A creature, originally from the planet Zygor, that liked to transform into creatures to attack other creatures. They're shaped like fat reddish starfish and they smell of iron. Usually Zygons like to use their poison stingers on others. This one, for some reason, liked tommy guns. And I have a sneaking suspicion the Zygon liked my curvaceous frame. I don't blame it. If you could wear my curvaceous frame, you'd want to wear it forever, too.

"I was attempting to kill something."

I shot the Zygon. It disappeared.

"And now it's gone. You can carry on with your dinners now."

The Doctor was behind me the whole time. He pouted and groaned when I turned around. "Melody, I didn't get to do anything."

"No worries, my love. I needed a house call from a Doctor, anyway. These days, I'm hungry and frustrated. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Maybe you should call a doctor, Melody."

"Oh, no, I don't need that type of doctor." I leaned closer to his left ear. "I need the only one who can heal me in my time of need. My Doctor."

"Oh."

"Your place or mine? I have an apartment here. You have the TARDIS." I twirled his bowtie with my right index finger.

"Mine." He grabbed my hand and led me to the TARDIS as I laughed.

 

But if Mels didn't stop the Monk, all those _Melody Malone_ stories wouldn't exist. Everything about River Song's life wouldn't exist. Everything about _Melody Pond_ wouldn't exist.

And there he was, leafing through River's diary with a pen at a table in the dining room of the Hotel Adlon, a smile on his face. The dining room was filled with people to terrify and steal their clothes from when she first came here. Now the dining room was empty, save for the Monk.

This Monk was the one who had a receding hairline, grey hair, a tan jacket, and a multi-coloured checkered bowtie. He had given up his habit years ago.

The Monk put down his pen and shut River's diary as he looked up at Mels. "Oh, Melody, how are you? I keep trying to get you to kill the Doctor, but you keep evading him."

"Give me my diary back."

"Oh, I'm afraid I can't. Not without ripping the pages in it. And if I rip one of these pages..." The Monk tore a page in River's diary. Mels grabbed her right arm in pain. "It's going to hurt you. If I take them all out, I'll kill you. Regardless, the Doctor's not going to exist anymore. You won't be in the way." The Monk opened River's diary. "Now I'm going to write the Doctor and his companions coming in the dining room at any minute. Some soldiers are following them. They'll try to stop the Doctor. Instead, they'll miss him. They'll shoot you. You'll regenerate and kill the Doctor after his companions and those soldiers flee your regeneration energy. And then it's the end for everyone."

Mels took out one of her guns and shot herself in the stomach. She collapsed, letting the gun fall to the floor.

"What are you doing?"

"What you wanted me to do."

"What do you mean 'What you wanted me to do?'"

"You wanted me to regenerate. To forget about River Song. All so you could get revenge on the Doctor. I know about Tamsin. I know about the times you displaced the Doctor with some of his other companions. I'm not surprised you did it again. But you picked the wrong timeline to meddle with, Monk."

Mels stood up. Her body was glowing with regeneration energy. The Monk tried to run away but Mels pinned him against a wall.

"What are you doing?"

"Gambling. If you care about your life, you'll restore every timeline you've meddled with today. My timeline, the Doctor's timeline, my parents' timeline--you get it, right? But if you don't, I'm going to regenerate, and I'm taking you with me. Maybe I'll look like River Song again. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll remember I was River Song. Maybe I won't. But at least you'll be out of my life for good. Deal?"


	5. Everything In Its Right Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened after Mels and the Monk's confrontation.

River blinked. She was in the TARDIS. The Doctor was on the floor of the TARDIS, rolling around slowly on its floor.

She rushed to the Doctor's side. "Doctor, are you okay?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. Why am I on the floor? I was standing at the console."

"It was the Monk, my love."

"The Monk? The one who likes to meddle with time?"

River nodded. "He used my diary to trap me in my younger self's body. You know, the one with the braids?"

"Oh, yeah, her."

River helped the Doctor up to his feet. "Only the TARDIS and I knew what was going on. We ended up traveling back to 1938 Berlin. The Monk wanted to kill you there. I made him return our timelines to where they were. Am I wearing a shirt?" 

"Yes, River, you're wearing that thing you wore before Amy and Rory got married."

"The TARDIS."

"The TARDIS what?"

"The TARDIS showed me this look while I was trapped in my younger self's body. I think she knew I needed a change of clothes after I fixed our timelines." She pulled up her top. "No bullet holes in my stomach. Looks like it was on the day I generated it."

"You shot yourself in the stomach?"

"I thought it was the most appropriate way to force a regeneration. It was where I was shot at last time, remember?" 

"You could've regenerated into anything if the Monk didn't restore our timelines."

"Because I wasn't focusing on a dress size. Well, I'm back in this body now. You have other things to worry about, my love." River moved her hands down her hips. "I see it's still all going on there." She grabbed her hair. "My hair. It feels the same. Is it the same, Doctor?"

"Yes, River, your hair's still the same."

River turned her back to the Doctor. "How's my bum? I assume you're an expert on it now."

The Doctor stammered.

"Still magnificent. Exactly what I thought."

On the console was River's diary. River picked it up and leafed through it. "Everything's still in here. Everything I've done, everything I've seen. I don't see one drop from the Monk's poison pen on any of the pages."

"Spoilers?"

River put a finger to her lips. "Spoilers." She grinned. "Well, now that the Monk's been taken care of, I was thinking of going to Spain. I was going to wait until you picked me up from uni, but since I'm here, we may as well go now."

"Spain?"

"Didn't you hear? The Spanish government made me a duchess there after I defended certain members of the monarchy from Sycorax."

"How did a royal government give you a dukedom? You're not royalty, River."

"I may have given the king a kiss to show my gratitude."

"River..."

River input coordinates into the TARDIS. "For the time being, I have a lovely house on the Costa del Sol. We may as well take advantage of it while we have it." 

River grinned at the Doctor. The Doctor nodded. "Yes, let's go to the Costa del Sol!"

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Cover Art for merryghoul's "Bespoke Psychopath for Hire"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4698098) by [hollymarchosias](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollymarchosias/pseuds/hollymarchosias)




End file.
